alone

Friends. Who are these people? And how do they behave? How are they supposed to behave?

I don’t know anymore, because I don’t think I have any. I don’t feel attached to anybody enough to call one a friend.

All of the people who call themselves my friends don’t look like anything else but “clients of my psychotherapy”. They’re draining my energy by asking me to help them, and in the end everything I’ve told them goes somewhere in the waste.

I am tired of being somebody else’s salvation army or psychological rescue squad.

I am exhausted. And it doesn’t feel like I am resting.  I’ve been losing people who were close to me. No, they aren’t dying, they just become more distant, or don’t seem to value me as people should value their friends. I am taken for granted. I feel like a free accessory. People take my energy away and think that this is what I should do. What the fuck?

Am I asking for so much? All I want is just a proper God damn friendship! I used to have it several years ago, why can’t I have it now?

I want to have a person who would be able to comfort. But I am very fucking lucky to know people who have no idea how to do it and only want it from others  who can do it, like me….

For some reason I feel like my heart (or, the remnants of it (or the place where it is supposed to be)) is torn into pieces and nothing or no one can make it better. This blunt pain in the chest region of mt body has been killing me for some time already, and I haven’t realized why yet. Will I ever?

I bet that the stuff I’m about to write now is so freaking banal….

For the past some time my only friend has been music. This is the only thing that will not get away from me. This is the only thing that can comfort me in its own way.

This is too much to take. I really want to leave. Leave and never come back. 2.5 months and I’ll leave for some time, and be happy. 1.5 more years and I will never see this place again. Can’t wait….

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