The day I stopped existing

Was the same as others;

Wet streets,

Grey stretched across the city,

Hours before the sunrise.

Like an empty corn husk,

Discarded and left to rot

In the dirt,

I prayed to all the gods and demons

For it to be the last time;

Too many times I had spent

Tumbling between hell and earth.

Questionable angels never look

For any reasons not to pull me out,

And I am always returned

To where I have started.


I have found a beautiful clear lake,

Secluded and lonely,

Just like me.

It can hide me from the angels

And help me remain.

The feeling of this unlikely friendship

Gives me hope,

That this time

I will succeed.

Time to grow up

Racing clouds,

Tyrannous wind,

Merciless rain shower.

The power of nature

Against a small insignificant dot

Called human.

I am walking along the road

Trying to hide from wind,

Enjoying the evening sky swallowing stars.

The road is empty.

Wet, slippery surface looks dangerous for the traffic…

But not me.

The way lights shimmer on the water surface makes me feel more

More of nothing.

Repeating the same dictionary words,

It cannot bring the whole picture

Until you pierce the sky itself

And realize that sky is the same nothing you’ve seen not long ago

Was I right?

It’s time for you to grow up, girl.


Cubicle of the room.

I look out of the window;

I see umbrellas

And endless rain frozen in the air.

There are no doors in my cubicle.

Drops don’t let the air in.

Less and less oxygen left.

The umbrellas keep moving.

I am watching them move

As my face becomes pale.

Beating against the glass and walls,

But the fate has been determined.

I cover myself with white paint

To match the walls

And dissolve in the cubicle.

Lack of oxygen shows;

I am blue.

I am lonely.

Every umbrella is in a separate cubicle,

Each is slowly suffocating.

I choose to end it quicker.

I dissolve in white paint.

Rainy view from the 17th floor

Grey morning…

It was raining so hard I could feel the raindrops hitting my hiking sneakers. Messy hair, a hood to protect the headphones and music to make the walk to work better than it is – typical morning for me.

It’s going to snow soon, I think. I can’t wait for it, and at the same time I don’t want winter to start because I’m not used to the hardcore freezer temperatures. I’m not ready for -30 C after mild winters in Europe :((((

This week we have 6 days to work instead of 5, and then 3 days off in a row because of the big muslim holiday. Honestly, I have no idea what I’ll be doing during these 3 days. Boredom is just going to eat me and I’ll happily (well, relatively happily) drag myself to work on wednesday.

The general plan is to sleep as much as I freaking can and do my best not to strangle the little drama queen that I share the room with, because if I do, I’ll have to kill her mom too and disappear from the country.

Yeah, not the best thoughts in th first half of the working day.

Group translations, foggy view from the window, and heater working on full power in the office – and first half of the working day is almost over. More brain consuming stuff to come. More excitement about the upcoming 3-day weekend. More hours of life lived.

Stay tuned. Peace.

Little things

Sometimes you look outside the window and see it.

Everything around is as ugly as it can ever get: that mixture of construction sites and shiny polished ‘wannabe skysrapers’. All of that makes me want to turn my guts inside out; and yet there’s something about it. Something fascinating, something that makes me like looking at city lights at night from the window.

Sometimes I find it interesting to watch the fight of ash dark thunder sky and mottled building roofs; fierce clouds  act like they want to devour rooftops, rain drains from them like saliva of a hungry animal, and the mighty roar echoes in the most remote corners of this overfilled land.

My brain is constantly struggling between sending everything to hell and falling down from the 14th floor facing the roadway, and peacefully contemplating the flickering lights of Baiterek. What’s making the struggle keep on? Why haven’t I already made a choice in favor of the roadway? Who the ff*** knows.

Those little things… the little things that make me want to forget that I hate it all; ones that make me want to forget about the self-destruct process that was initialized long ago, and even if I still remember about it, they make me want to push the ‘pause’ button.

I’ve started noticing small details that enchant me; they give me thoughts that I later turn into poems, or that make me frozen for half of the day. They leave a strange aftertaste, and I still can’t understand what it is. Something elusive, something addictive, something that keeps me puzzled. Hell, I’m always puzzled. Always.

It’s raining again

My 3rd working week has started! I’ve got so much energy aaaaaaand it’s gone.

The outside temperature is good, but it’s really humid because of the rainy weather, and  too many puddles. I’m not complaining, but my blood pressure doesn’t like this kind of weather :/

Everybody around looks like they’ve been unloading train wagons all weekend. Nervous bosses make this morning even more stressful.

Several hours of dynamic work events are awaiting, and for some reason I’d rather not be here right now 😀

Just like Anna (sales manager in my office) said, “This is the weather for cocoa, cuddly blanket and a movie”. Although, I’d just pick SLEEP. Don’t care where, how, just right freaking NOW. I could even sleep right on this very keyboard if the lights weren’t so bright.

Dear Monday mornings,

You suck.

Sincerely, one of the millions employed people in the World.

rainy days

The weather has been gloomy and rainy for 2 days already.
It’s perfect for sitting somewhere with a cup of hot tea and looking outside at people passing by who are cold wet and totally unhappy about everything around them.
I usually just sit inside without looking out of the window, because to do it I’ll have to take my laptop off my legs, wrap myself in a blanket (it’s really cold too!) and then go to the window.
Oh well, enough complaints. This weather is really amazing. I don’t know about you people, but I get pretty nostalgic about stuff whenever it’s rainy outside. I think about the great times I’ve had before, and it brings this feeling of warmth that my pleasant memories carry with them.
Watching the trees change their color from green to something between yellow and red, or one of these colors is always beautiful. Fall is here. That cold and fresh air every time I open the window or go outside is always very invigorating and makes me want to do something big during the day besides falling asleep in the warm bed after coming back.
I think fall is my favorite time of the year. During these months I can watch the nature preparing to go to sleep and giving me this wonderful scenery.
If only the day were a little longer I could have walked in a park listening to the sounds of rain, river, trees, and wind, and felt in peace….