(In)audible, (in)visible.

I am not real.
A passing voice
You hear;
It’s all in your head.
That imagined sound
That nobody else heard
But you.
That weird visual
Hallucination –
“There is no one there,
You must be tired.”
I made myself this way.
The (in)visible one,
The (in)audible one.
There have been too many
Pings,
All timed out.
With time
Every request becomes
More futile.
The anchors are
No longer there.
With every word
Dissolving in the mass
Of everybody else’s voices
I have lost the energy
To raise mine.
Any motion of the
Vocal cords is now silent,
Only the mute squeezes
Here and there.
I live inside my own head now.
The palpitations,
The arrhythmia;
All the lovely companions
Have dug a hole
Way too deep.
The faceless presence
That eventually disappears
Into the background;
Nothing to say,
Nothing to bring
To the table
Of judgement.
Spotlight is like
Radiation exposure,
Melting away the life
I had pretended to have.
I am but an amorphous cloud
Floating above
The speakers and
Their pitches,
Disappearing in the sounds
Of the crowd’s breathing,
While losing the bone mass
Of my own existence.
I am not real.
Just somebody else’s
hallucination;
(In)visible,
(In)audible.

A lonely boat

The sunset after the storm;
Witnessing the destruction aftermath
On the supposed brand new
Cardboard cities
And concrete towns.
An all-round blush palette
On the sky;
I go back to an empty lake,
Surprisingly not filled
With debris.
I get into the boat
(Dragged all the way here in advance)
And try to use the paddles
For the first time.
Tricky movements,
But I remain stable.
I am not looking
For anything lost,
Only admiring the nature.
This location has been
On my bucket list
For a while,
Just because.
So hard to paddle
When the upper body strength
Is no longer the same.
Not long till the middle
So I can feel the majestic
Mountain lake
That still fulfils
The advertisement promise.
Nobody around to see
The clear water,
The nature preserving
Itself.
Unusual;
The lack of crowds
Is changing the experience.
I have reached the middle.
The memories of the storm
Come back for a moment:
The winds unscrewing
The spruces from the earth
Have printed an image
In my brain,
But now there is quiet.
Only the river flowing
From the glaciers;
Almost like everybody is
Respecting my privacy for once.
The cold waters remind
Of the joyful times
And tourist traps
I would have loved to see
Right now.
But it is just me;
Just a lonely boat.
I am where I need to be
And I see the flaws
Of nature.
There is still time.
I finally get to the perfect centre.
Do you feel the energy?
Do you know
What this is about?
Breathing aligns with
The wind and summit currents
And I can finally
Inhale at my
Full lung capacity.
Panic times are finished.
No more hyperventilating,
Only calm.
I hold on to the edge of the boat,
Having forgotten the balance
In the chaos.
Paying attention
To the center of gravity,
And jumping in.
Finally embracing the cold
The way I should have
A while ago,
And breathing in the clear lake
All the way this time.
Sinking deeper
Than the storm had touched,
Feeling the pristine.
The final notes will be
Exactly the way
I had imagined,
Leaving nothing behind,
But a lonely boat.

Autopilot

Grieving the nonexistent,
Lack of words to
Put the picture together.
My brain is an hourglass,
Feeling the grains flow away
At a speed I was not prepared for.
The red might be at fault here;
The most faithful friend,
Who does not have the truth,
As much as we keep saying it does.
Why did I want to bury myself
Under that blanket the other morning?
Why did I glitch and zone out
For 30 minutes today?
Is it going to stop anytime soon,
Or am I going to live on autopilot
And stare through walls all the time
From now on?
Childlike curiosity and adult means
To numb oneself
Are an unfortunate combination;
Realising the horrible timing
And the futile efforts
Of trying to make it right,
And failing like a nervous child
At a school recital.
Watching my life backwards:
Scrolling upward in a chat
With myself being the only poster;
A collection of videos, music, and thoughts
That are too sporadic to follow.
Time to close it,
But I always go back
Without thinking.
.
.
.
What was that?
Oh, I must have zoned out again.
I need another glass.

Cedar tree

Brief hellos
Of trees,
Imaginary anime runner
Along the endless high-speed road.
I am going somewhere,
To a place marked on my little map.
Important spot,
Marked with a little X.
No particular reason
But a pretty scenery.
I am going to see a cedar tree
Or two.
Or a few.
Beautiful trees;
Maybe I can pick out a favourite one.
One that calls to me,
One that I can talk to;
Breathe in the evergreen
And feel some illusion
Of being one with nature.
Silly thoughts
Until I get there,
Get my tree climbing kit
That I had prepared,
Get to a nice sturdy branch,
Secure the ropes
(Nobody wants an accident),
And sit there.
Inhale the forest,
Share my truth with it,
Admire the tree needles;
Imagine being close to it,
Like a friend.
Making sure that it’s steady;
One more breath.
I think it is time
To jump.
So simple,
Just one push.
Don’t make a big deal out of it,
I have been wanting
A wilderness funeral anyway
And the rope is tight enough,
So why wait;
Why not now.

Keep out

Empty days
With no space in between.
Every second filled with
A defective slideshow
Overflowing like
A sink with defective plumbing.
Did I do this?
Third person view,
Interstellar vibes,
No ability to change
The slide I am going down,
They are going down.
An overfilled stream
With no pause button,
Drop by drop
Until the dam bursts
For no reason
And kills the innocent.
Beat as calm
As a polygraph cheater
I step closer
Towards the volcano.
Hot air destroying the breath,
Pushing every step
That nobody wants to take.
This civilisation is already dead.
The screaming voices are still loud
And they know that the overall noise
Does not make a difference.
I can barely hear
The individual screams,
But the combined pain is
All mine,
Being deposited
Directly to me.
And I comply,
I keep it all
For no reason other than
Not knowing where else it can go.
The broken river
Becomes a stagnant pond
Kept at the very back,
Dragging every survivor
Inside.
No way out here.
Be smarter than them
And keep out.