Autopilot

Grieving the nonexistent,
Lack of words to
Put the picture together.
My brain is an hourglass,
Feeling the grains flow away
At a speed I was not prepared for.
The red might be at fault here;
The most faithful friend,
Who does not have the truth,
As much as we keep saying it does.
Why did I want to bury myself
Under that blanket the other morning?
Why did I glitch and zone out
For 30 minutes today?
Is it going to stop anytime soon,
Or am I going to live on autopilot
And stare through walls all the time
From now on?
Childlike curiosity and adult means
To numb oneself
Are an unfortunate combination;
Realising the horrible timing
And the futile efforts
Of trying to make it right,
And failing like a nervous child
At a school recital.
Watching my life backwards:
Scrolling upward in a chat
With myself being the only poster;
A collection of videos, music, and thoughts
That are too sporadic to follow.
Time to close it,
But I always go back
Without thinking.
.
.
.
What was that?
Oh, I must have zoned out again.
I need another glass.

Just a dream

Everything I have ever known

Flipped upside down in a second,

Not giving me time to adjust…

…when I saw her.

Effusing the elusive light,

Collaring me and all of my insides,

Immobilizing my being,

She made me regret

Every decision that had led me

To that moment,

And yet I was bursting

With inexplicable ecstasy.

Those thin wrists had so much

Power over me.

I was ready to drown in the abysmal wells

Of her eyes

Over and over again.

The stare made me weak,

For a second

I thought I heard her heartbeat;

So calm.

Her lips moved.

One, two, three more seconds

And she stepped forward.

Forward to the rails.

A train. A hit.

Silence.

White dress covered in blood,

Beautiful face with eyes wide open.

They were still staring into me.

I snap my eyes shut.

I am not there anymore.

I am strapped to a therapy bed.

I hear the blurry “Increase the voltage”

And feel my insides being twisted again.

Just a dream. Please, come back to me.

I do not wish to wake up.

 

 

 

 

 

Trapped asleep

You pour your eyes on my back,

But when I turn around

There’s no one near.

The corner you’re hiding behind

Is pulsing with hatred;

Aimless desperation

Has put me in the middle of the room.

Silence. My best friend has started deceiving me –

Revealing the sounds of horror.

I can’t get rid of the nightmares

That I see with my eyes open.

The dawn is too far away to hope

For a quick and painless night.

I am trapped in the middle of my own dream.

Wake.

Me.

Up.