Paperweight

You leap with the energy
At me.
I am the paperweight
Made of cadmium
That blocks the wind
From flying everything
Everywhere.
The boring one,
The buzzkill,
The scenario-based robot
That pulls all the joy
Out of your breath.
The one who
Can only exist
In a plane of the rigid
Structures.
Useless to the human
Interactions,
Helpful to the whomever
Is in control.
Forcing the flood
Only when there is
Nowhere else to go.
Always the negative,
Always the worst case scenario;
Squishing anything pleasant
Out of every interaction.
No space for joy, compassion,
Or love.
The space has been taken over
By the things
Opaque,
Unimportant, and yet
Pressing.
Too much confusion.
Feel free to knock
The paperweight
Off the desk.
Let the wind fill the pages for a while.
Who cares about the existing cracks,
The usual stuff won’t
Work anymore.
Be sad about
Losing the page you had liked the most
For a while.
Embrace the draft
Until you can find something
Heavy enough to replace
That old thing;
Something less harmful,
Something with a bit more of a
Positive charge;
Something less
Toxic to you.

Happy cat lady day, or corona with cats.

So I have been covid-positive for almost a week now. Besides the general symptoms of omicron (head, throat, nose, lyomh nodes, exhaustion) I have had the trouble of not being able to touch the cats. My babies. Oh gods, this has been so hard. I usually pick up a cat and enjoy the paws and purring (and the occasional wiggles to get away, guilty), or just give them random strokes, but the last week has been hell. And the babies have noticed the lack of contact. I’ve been having lots of meows and social-distancing-appropriate hangouts and stroking-only-with-fresh-washed-hands so I minimise the probability of passing the nasty to the kitties. Cloud (the male cat) has been really cuddly this time, not realising why I have not been persistent enough with my kisses and hugs. So hard not to give them a random stroke and kiss when they come over >_<

Covid sucks. Not as much for me as for me qorryibg thay I would pass it onto my baby kitties. That’s the biggest challenge, seriously.

Other than that – who the hell cares, triple vaccinated, mild-ish symptoms – I can survive all that.

In honor of the cat lady day I just wanted to share the pain of not being able to hug my babies while being ill.

I hope all kitties of the world are alright.

Keep your babies safe. Happy cat lady day!

Prosecution rests

Unable to sense
The distance;
Executing
The non-existent punishment
That sits in my head.
Destroy.
Destroy.
Destroy.
You, undeserving
Sack of flesh.
The gloomy judge
Is exhausted;
Too dull to argue with
The rage-boiling prosecutor;
The flaming gradients on its face
Terrify me every second
Of every day.
It persists
At the back of my head,
Filing its way
To the stand,
Where the eyes have
No choice but to look
At the ugliness of the verdict.
Failure.
Undeserving.
Useless.
The defending council
Rests
With no further objections.
I am forced to absorb
The guilt
And be grateful
For the abuse
That my own brain
Has conjured
Without a single hint
Of concent;
So I climb.
I climb as high as
I possibly can,
Ignoring the fun comments
Regarding my hormones,
And aim higher,
So the splatter looks more impressive
At the end,
Even though
It shouldn’t concern me
Anymore at all.
I let the darkness in,
I let it take me elsewhere.
Let me have the ideation
That has been harboured.
Do we have a pretty hook waiting for me?
I would love that.
No more control from my end,
Just the rope.
Just let me tighten this knot,
Or use my best friend
Thay I have had waiting for a while now.
We can play a game!
There is a revolver gun,
This is a great game,
One of six,
Standing on a stool,
Tied to the big rope,
Win-win, right?
Roll-click-click.
Bang!
.
Done.
Over.
Thank you for watching.
Prosecution rests.

City

I close my eyes,

Disoriented.

Strange place,

Strange faces.

The dense air

Has pushed the smile

Away. No place

For happiness

Among the narrow streets

And shiny buildings.

The five points

Relax the evening,

But do not

Bring any relief.

The weight with no meaning

Has clouded time.

Drywall blocks and

Pointless beats

Are all this place is.

I have emptied myself

Before entering

This dream that is not over yet.

I have only left to wait,

Meditating in patience,

Waiting for the

Peace of awakening.

Rose wood shelves

I store my memories on tiny shelves

Made of rose wood.

One is for the my first cat,

One is or my first friend,

One for the family,

The smiles,

The tears,

The anger and the sadness.

When one of them fills up

The shelves collapse.

One shelf is hidden,

One cannot shake it or flip it over.

That one is for you.

I treasure every little bit

Of every second I remember.

And when everything collapses

What will always remain

Is you.