Notes are a scream,
A mayday that will never get a response.
The salty waters are engulfing
Whatever is left on display.
I am nothing but a shell
Of normality that existed
A long ago.
I beg for acceptance,
And yet avoid the eye contact.
I am the paradox living inside your head.
I am not real.
My fingers are fictional,
The touch affects only your online posts,
Which are not popular enough
To get the desired like count.
I exist only in your twisted dreams,
Hiding in the shades of your nightmares.
The darkest corners will never be seen;
I will go deeper,
And fake another cinematic smile for you.
Aren’t you happy?
It is just how you wa t it to be!
A happy smile,
A happy me.
A plastic world you have created
In your sad twisted dreams.
Well, enjoy…


Kilometers of thoughts,

Strange thoughts.

They’re too heavy to hold,

So I wrap them around myself.

Inhaling has become harder;

My chest is being crushed

By the invisible hardship that

I have created myself.

Brain at a highway speed,

It doesn’t hear my pleas to stop.

I might be losing my mind.

I stand on the path and

Cannot catch up with

My own brain.

No more hope to reach what’s

So much faster than myself.

I stop at a blossoming field of colza,

Bright yellow flower carpet

Calms me down.

My mind is not here anymore;

I have let it go.

My lips stretch in a crooked smile:

I don’t have a brain.

Is that… happiness?


Watching slideshows of your smile

I am trying to scrape the remnants of you

Out of myself.

Our tragic reunion

Has killed the last bits

Of both of us.

Sound of the wind touching your hair

Makes me melt,

But the volcano has cooled down.

Your voice is a crying cello

That brings peace to my ears.

Look hear, my dear;

So much time has passed

That I can hardly remember your face,

But you are still haunting me.

I have been holding the door open

For you to leave,

But the curve of your lips

Is still pouring rains of nostalgic foolishness on me.

Time to light it up.

Bring me the matches.

I will burn the slides,

The whole memory room;

We will be watching ourselves disappear

And turn to embers.

Routine days and the week of weight loss


It’s my 4th week living in Astana and I still don’t know how to feel about it.

The job itself is amazing, but the amounts of it are killing me sometimes.

I’ve lost a little more weight over the past week, because we had a week long workshop on health economics. So much new terminology and so many new people… 8 hours of verbal translation a day + written translations – overwhelming! I don’t think I’d have gotten such a valuable experience anywhere else. At least now I have a general understanding of what people from MoH and CS are, and how they work. At the end of the workshop the consultant who I translated for, told me that after all that I need a certificate too, because I ended up expleining methods of economic evaluation and budget impat analysis to the CS people 😀

So, if anyone ever wants to lose weight – become a full-time translator/interpreter! That surely helps you stop eating (just because you don’t have time for it) and the kilograms don’t just go away, they drain from you along with the nerves and good mood…

Oh, what am I talking about? Really, I complain too much. The job is really exciting, and even though I’m going to leave all of my nervous system over here, I still like it.

The weather in Astana is even weirder than in Karaganda; here it changes within minutes! And the wind… The wind is kinda nice, because if it weren’t here, I’d choke in all the car fumes (the number of cars in this city is unimaginable).

Another great thing about this city is that I’ve met new people, and they seem very nice. An interesting fact: out of the people I hang out with, there isn’t a single local person 😀 Well, as we know, there aren’t almost any ‘locals’ in Astana anyway…

Work-home, work-home, work-home – that’s my plan for almost every day. And even though I might complain about it, there’s nothing better to do here anyway, and it’s not even so bad 😀

I need to look at things more positively. I really do. I’ve got to punch myself in the face and start at least smiling to people, because most of the time I look like I’ll be planting a bomb somewhere, and my face looks scared and angry (or, in some cases I look like I’ve just defused one :D).

I need more positive shit in here! Just a little more.

Radiating grin

Metaphors of happiness

Are nothing but letters

Written on the life scenario sheets.

My pages are full of smudges and blurs.

You keep on throwing

Your recited smiles at me,

Choking me in images of your radiating grin.

Wordy gusts catch me at my back

When I’m trying to escape

Your ever-so-nice face.

I can see your eyes shine

At the sight of my sadness.

Time will come,

And you will stop smiling.

Eyes will turn into dull crystals,

Mouth will no longer show the revolting grin

Of the staged niceness.

Adventures in micro-buses and other stuff that makes me smile

Well… Let’s just say that whenever I travel home or to the center from a walk or studying on a micro-bus, something fun/weird is bound to happen.

First time, I was coming back at around 9 pm. the only bus I managed to take was 02. I got in, got a seat and was listening to music. Some drunk weirdo in a suit got in on the next stop and was hanging  right next to me, pushing my legs. After 5 minutes of insolent pushing towards my legs,  I got angry and pushed the bastard away. He kept on staring at me until his bus stop came up. All the bus smelled like alcohol, making me wanna puke…

Second time I was going for a walk on a nice warm day. It happened that I got on 02 again. A bunch of teenagers were laughing like horny horses and after I got in, the one with the most retatded face expression (I assume he was the pack leader) came up and tried to know my name and number.  I didn’t react (I was wearing earphones, so I didn’t care). couple minutes passed, and he tried again. He was saying something and smiling with all his 28 enormous teeth as I turned my head, took one of the earphones out and said while looking into those lightweight-brain eyes: “Go do your homework, kid”. That kind of offended the boy, and he sat back down. Then another skinny one with computer-angled spine crawled closer and tried saying something. I just rolled my eyes and turned up the volume. The rest of my trip to the center I spent having paper pieces flying at me until my stop. Yeah, not pleasant, but there were too many of them and half of the boys were really huge.

Third time happened on the 02 again 🙂 I was going back home late in the evening. 2 village boys dressed in GUCCI and ARMANI were blabbering about something half in Russian, half in Kazakh. After they got a seat, both of them realized that “nipanimayu” (means “I don’t understand” in a bad Russian) sounds extremely funny. They kept repeating it and giggling like little schoolgirls until their bus stop. I regretted having put the earphones somewhere very deep in my bag…

After those cases I felt strange whenever an 02 came by the bus stop. But, another evening it was getting late and I had to get on one… I got on the seat right next to 2 teenage girls (14-15 y.o.). I guess, they didn’t like it; to show their superiority (I have no idea how that was supposed to show it, but they did it) one of the girls stood right in front of me, leaning on the seat in front of me and looking at me like she’s the queen and I’m the the worst joker in the kingdom. Later she decided that it wasn’t enough to satisfy her royalness and coolness before me, the girl grabbed the sticky curtain holder and held on it (that moved her arm very close to my face – approximately 10-15 cm). All that time I was just listening to music, not reacting on anything. After she started holding on the curtain holder and have her hand slipping from there occasionally, I gave her a crusty look, fixed the position of my glasses, and kept on listening to music. Later, some seats got free, and both girls moved to the back of the bus. When my bus stop was announced, the first one to answer on it was that same girl. I ended up answering right after her. Before getting outside I looked toward the end of the bus. She was standing there, getting ready to get out. I went out of the bus, put my hood on, and started moving towards the road (both of us needed to cross the road. The girl looked back at me and started running. I thought: why would you run across the road when there’re no cars. Then I realized: she was running away from me. I guess that look I gave scared her and she thought I was coming to get her. I couldn’t help smiling all the way to the apt.

The last time I traveled home in the evening was yesterday (Sunday, 29.04). I didn’t take 02, but 011. There were no problems until the candy factory bus stop. A guy, looking like a street bully, wearing a sport suit and a beanie hat, got inside. He was plugging the earphones into the phone. I sometimes look around (I like observing stuff) and when I looked at the guy, I saw him moving his lips and smiling. He wanted to talk to me, I guess. I didn’t react and kept looking somewhere else. Then, the seat next to me got free, and he sat there. The guy tried attracting my attention, but I didn’t even look at him. My dad called; I talked to him, ended the call. Then I looked at the guy sitting next to me (that street bully), and hid my phone in a pocket on the opposite side of my jacket. He looked offended and sad. The next bus stop announced – he got out right away. Confusing 😀

Today, at work my boss asked me about the Google Chrome fail reasons. I explained him that it’s the cryptography program messing with Chrome. He said that he didn’t believe in that; I responded: “Well, then I might be wrong and I don’t know why it’s like that”.

After some time, he asked a specialist who came to fix another laptop to take a look at the issue. And, guess what? I WAS right! It’s the cryptography program issue! And it’s impossible to get rid of the problem without removing that nasty app.

I still feel proud of myself, because it took me less time to figure out the root of the issue than it was for the specialist from the tech-support company. The guy repeated every move that I made on Friday in my attempts to fix it. I knew it… tech-support runs in my blood 😀