Enjoy

Notes are a scream,
A mayday that will never get a response.
The salty waters are engulfing
Whatever is left on display.
I am nothing but a shell
Of normality that existed
A long ago.
I beg for acceptance,
And yet avoid the eye contact.
I am the paradox living inside your head.
I am not real.
My fingers are fictional,
The touch affects only your online posts,
Which are not popular enough
To get the desired like count.
I exist only in your twisted dreams,
Hiding in the shades of your nightmares.
The darkest corners will never be seen;
I will go deeper,
And fake another cinematic smile for you.
Aren’t you happy?
It is just how you wa t it to be!
A happy smile,
A happy me.
A plastic world you have created
In your sad twisted dreams.
Well, enjoy…

…happiness?

Kilometers of thoughts,

Strange thoughts.

They’re too heavy to hold,

So I wrap them around myself.

Inhaling has become harder;

My chest is being crushed

By the invisible hardship that

I have created myself.

Brain at a highway speed,

It doesn’t hear my pleas to stop.

I might be losing my mind.

I stand on the path and

Cannot catch up with

My own brain.

No more hope to reach what’s

So much faster than myself.

I stop at a blossoming field of colza,

Bright yellow flower carpet

Calms me down.

My mind is not here anymore;

I have let it go.

My lips stretch in a crooked smile:

I don’t have a brain.

Is that… happiness?

Slideshows

Watching slideshows of your smile

I am trying to scrape the remnants of you

Out of myself.

Our tragic reunion

Has killed the last bits

Of both of us.

Sound of the wind touching your hair

Makes me melt,

But the volcano has cooled down.

Your voice is a crying cello

That brings peace to my ears.

Look hear, my dear;

So much time has passed

That I can hardly remember your face,

But you are still haunting me.

I have been holding the door open

For you to leave,

But the curve of your lips

Is still pouring rains of nostalgic foolishness on me.

Time to light it up.

Bring me the matches.

I will burn the slides,

The whole memory room;

We will be watching ourselves disappear

And turn to embers.

Routine days and the week of weight loss

So…

It’s my 4th week living in Astana and I still don’t know how to feel about it.

The job itself is amazing, but the amounts of it are killing me sometimes.

I’ve lost a little more weight over the past week, because we had a week long workshop on health economics. So much new terminology and so many new people… 8 hours of verbal translation a day + written translations – overwhelming! I don’t think I’d have gotten such a valuable experience anywhere else. At least now I have a general understanding of what people from MoH and CS are, and how they work. At the end of the workshop the consultant who I translated for, told me that after all that I need a certificate too, because I ended up expleining methods of economic evaluation and budget impat analysis to the CS people 😀

So, if anyone ever wants to lose weight – become a full-time translator/interpreter! That surely helps you stop eating (just because you don’t have time for it) and the kilograms don’t just go away, they drain from you along with the nerves and good mood…

Oh, what am I talking about? Really, I complain too much. The job is really exciting, and even though I’m going to leave all of my nervous system over here, I still like it.

The weather in Astana is even weirder than in Karaganda; here it changes within minutes! And the wind… The wind is kinda nice, because if it weren’t here, I’d choke in all the car fumes (the number of cars in this city is unimaginable).

Another great thing about this city is that I’ve met new people, and they seem very nice. An interesting fact: out of the people I hang out with, there isn’t a single local person 😀 Well, as we know, there aren’t almost any ‘locals’ in Astana anyway…

Work-home, work-home, work-home – that’s my plan for almost every day. And even though I might complain about it, there’s nothing better to do here anyway, and it’s not even so bad 😀

I need to look at things more positively. I really do. I’ve got to punch myself in the face and start at least smiling to people, because most of the time I look like I’ll be planting a bomb somewhere, and my face looks scared and angry (or, in some cases I look like I’ve just defused one :D).

I need more positive shit in here! Just a little more.

Radiating grin

Metaphors of happiness

Are nothing but letters

Written on the life scenario sheets.

My pages are full of smudges and blurs.

You keep on throwing

Your recited smiles at me,

Choking me in images of your radiating grin.

Wordy gusts catch me at my back

When I’m trying to escape

Your ever-so-nice face.

I can see your eyes shine

At the sight of my sadness.

Time will come,

And you will stop smiling.

Eyes will turn into dull crystals,

Mouth will no longer show the revolting grin

Of the staged niceness.